Unimportant
by Wolphie
Summary: Parody dedicated to AV2.When behind a great victory stands an unknown character, things twist a bit. Heroes are lazy. And unimportant characters are being utterly cynical. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

I shall not tell you how boring living in the snowy town Shaelnir is. Too many details are unimportant. I will only tell you that heroes aren't heroes because of their heroic deeds. Yes, that's right.

Heroes are heroes because others that are considered unimportant help them from the behind. And guess who takes all the merit? The so-called heroes.

But no one ever wondered how it's like to be the one who comfortably sits aside and watches everything, helping the ones in need with much more than those heroes can do. No. Because _important_ characters are important. Everyone else is left aside. And this thing pisses many people off.

And that's why _I_ am here now; to make everything clear and prove to the world that you don't need to be one of the main characters to be important.

Like I said before, life in Shaelnir is boring. Too boring.

I live in Shaelnir. And I am a thirteen old boy with clearly nothing to do if I went and did such stupid things with my own future. Nobody noticed, anyway, but let's go back to the point.

It all started when I saw this brown-haired pointy-eared dude walk around he streets of Shaelnir. He reminded me of the princess that cranky hag that the citizens of Shaelnir call "queen" adopted a while ago. It's not like I have something against her, but the elf girl seemed rather _possessed_ to me.

I had an odd feeling when I saw that hag so happy to have the girl next to her, but I said 'eh, I am having stupid impressions again'. I shall never ignore my stupid impressions ever again.

I saw the elf boy sneak inside Rob's house one night. That idiot friend of mine couldn't find a worse job, could he? I see no benefit coming from wearing a crappy servant suit and wander around those icy hallways, kissing the Snow Queen's feet all day. Good thing the elf boy stole his suit. I shall ask why did he do that?

The idea was funny. Following the elf and see what he intends to do, I mean. I must say that the sight of him in that servant lacy clothing made me burst. Because nothing was more awkward than a pointy-ear dude in servant clothes. Only then I noticed that he wanted to enter the palace. But still... Why did he have to put on that clothing?

"You may pass, but take care what foolish things you do, worthless servant" The guard from the servants' entrance growled at the elf boy, who only nodded in a humiliated manner. I have no idea why. Well, I didn't care at the time, whatsoever.

I made my way to the principal entrance relaxed, assured that the guard would let me in without having me kiss his spear. However, the mentioned object stopped me from entering the ice palace as the guard asked me in the most indignation-filled tone where I was going. I saw nothing wrong in entering the castle. What the hell was wrong with people?

"I forgot my servant uniform and the other guard won't let me enter" I almost started laughing at the pathetic lie I just invented. The guard scowled at me with hatred as I was about to sprint away and try enter trough a window.

"Ohohohohohohoho~!" The man started laughing in a freaky manner before I could act. "This happens all the time. Get in there boy and help yourself with one of the extra uniforms we have in the basement. There are like hundreds" I blinked stupidly at the laughing guard and entered trough the opened door, soon forgetting about the luck that fell upon me.

I never entered that castle before. One of the reasons being that it had a foul smell that reminded me of that Snow Queen the citizens worship so much. And the second reason being that the tickets for entering when there were festival days and the gates of the castle were open were fucking expensive. Plus, I liked wasting my money on ice cream.

The hallways were icy and, indeed, impressive. But the second I entered the enormous building, I heard a weird melody. There was a ball held in the main room, having lots of kings, queens and other noble blood dance while the Snow Queen looked at them with a mischievous smile on her face. I decided not to disturb her yet as I went to another room, where I saw the elf boy disappearing.

The pointy-eared princess was having a chat with him. From what it looked like, he wanted to escape her from the evil of the Snow Queen (That I knew it existed from the beginning!) and she clearly didn't want to believe him, claiming that he was insane. I saw the boy leave saddened, before heading over towards me.

"Who are you?" He asked, looking blankly at me. I raised my eyebrows.

"Who am I? Who are you?"

"I am Ean"

"Ean who?"

"Ean Okho" I threw him a weird look.

"Alright" I said shortly before he scowled at me, leaving the conversation abruptly and passing me with the intent of doing something I don't know.

He suddenly stopped behind the corner of the wall and watched something quietly. I walked next to him and asked him what he was doing and he just hushed me. I ignored the last sound he made and passed the corner with Ean whispering to me that I am an idiot and to get back. There were the Snow Queen and that green-armored man that followed her like a puppy everywhere she went. They were apparently talking their evil business... near the elf girl's room... when they could simply talk their evil business next to the throne. And they were doing in in a way that was so not obvious for the boy named Ean just as I speak now in a way that's so not sarcastic.

"What are you doing here, Bob? Go do your job" The Queen said, as soon as she spotted me.

"My name is not Bob" I said simply.

"Whatever, Bob, go do your work and don't forget to put your uniform on" The Queen said, turning her back and leaving, followed by that master of arms. While she left the room only to go to the throne again and realize that they left the ball room for a nonexistent reason, she dropped a mirror on the ground in a way that the mirror did not smash.

I hurried to pick the mirror and go running after the queen.

"Hey, lady, you dropped your mirror" I yelled, trying to catch up with the queen. Because evil Queens need to look themselves in the mirror before turning all the guests to ice. And they need to carry them in their hand because normal mirrors don't fit in a pocket. Not to say that royal gowns don't usually have such things as pockets only because the corset is just more comfortable for female characters. Or that's my theory.

But I felt shoved and my forehead soon met with the floor. That was going to leave a mark. I still have no idea why did Ean have to shove me that hard? No. Why did he have to shove me in the first place? Oh, right. He wanted to look in the mirror as well.

"Gimme that!" He ordered, snatching the mirror from me. He looked _inside_ the mirror and hissed.

"I have to show this to Iya and she'll believe me" He said to no one in particular as I looked strangely at him while standing up.

"Who are you talking to?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. He shrugged his shoulders and sprinted away. Two guards passed me, resulting myself being shoved for the second time that day. Damn! Wasn't everything timed just _perfectly_? Soon later, I heard an electric sound and two thuds. Yeah, the guards clearly got someone mad.

Going to the throne room, the snow queen was laughing hysterically at the ice statures that decorated the whole chamber. Now my doubts were confirmed. The Snow Queen was indeed insane. I intended on walking to the crazy hag, but I accidentally bumped into the master of arms.

"I need to get away from her and regain my true form" He said to me as I eyed him blankly. What was wrong with everyone today?

"I never asked. Why are you telling this to me?" I asked as the master of arms shrugged his shoulders. I rolled my eyes and attempted passing him, but my shoulder accidentally bumped his once again. What do you say? I lost my direction sense too because of this madness. Because a thirteen year old's height is equal to a who-knows-how-many-hundreds years old man's.

"I need to get away from her and regain my true form" The master of arms repeated, robotically. I raised an eyebrow and poked at his armor.

"I need to get away from her and regain my true form" I bursted into a frantic laugh.

"Dude, you're like a coin operated robot. Just that you work on pokes, not coins." I said, captivating the attention of the Snow Queen who already remained out of air because of the author of this story keeping her to laugh all the time I was fooling around with the master of arms' weird talking function.

"Who are you?" She asked, looking at me blankly.

"I'm Bob...Uhh. I mean, I am someone unimportant"

"And what are you doing here, in my castle, someone unimportant?" She asked bitterly.

"I am following the elf boy who made your adoptive daughter see the truth and, who, along with her and many other characters that will appear along the quest will try and stop your evil deeds." I said, briefly as the Snow Queen's face turned even paler than it currently was.

I left the scene relaxed, catching up with the two runaways in something that was called kitchen, but that, in my opinion, was way too small to feed that mass of people, as a strident sound was heard and before a creepy soundtrack started playing. The two elves started getting agitated as I whistled sheepishly before my fault of un-masking them.

I saw some sparkles appear and a door was revealed in an empty place next to a table. Place that always was filled with the volume of the table in other role-playing games and that made it so obvious here that there had to be a hidden passage there. I followed them as the smell of the sewers greeted us cheerfully. The girl named Iya sealed the very-obvious-secret-passage-door before she turned around to see some chests.

Yes. That kind of chests that appear out of nowhere in role-playing games when you need them most. Whatever, they found many helpful stuff, including food and traveling clothes. And of course they refused to share the food with me on the simple reason that I busted them.

The way the clothes were exactly Iya's size made me total inert on what was going to happen next as I realized that everything was possible. I opened the leftover chest and a little green arrow that indicated the direction "up" raised and disappeared above my head. I had no idea what that meant, but I saw the two elves very mad after I turned to them.

"You stole our level, that's what you did!" Ean said angrily as I shrugged my shoulders and looked around.

"Who is he?" Iya suddenly asked the elf boy in a whispered tone.

"I don't know. But he can't possibly be someone that wants to harm us. He is _unimportant_" He responded just as loud, but loud enough for me to hear. What? Me? Unimportant? That was outrageous. Fine then. I'll leave it that way.

A thud accompanied by an ouch sounded like an echo trough the sewer tunnels. Ean glared at me annoyed while I was grinning at him happily, waving from the top of the ladder. Now, if I wasn't that important, Ean wouldn't have learn that you should never bend over at an edge of a ladder when someone is behind you.

_Weeee~ This is going to be fun._

…...

Fun both for me to write and, hopefully, for you to read. ^^ At least the first chapter was fun for me to write. Oh, btw, the boy's name is not Bob, by any chance. It is too unimportant to be said now.

Now I shall go get ready for school... . Hope you enjoyed reading~


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Yeah, this was really going to be fun. The elves ignored me completely after Ean chased me around the sewers for shoving him off the ladder. And I bet he did that only because I was categorized as "unimportant". Fine then.

They wanted to wander around the smelly sewers. Elves are _SO_ weird. Then so be it. But I only took a right path when they took a left one, having the boy roll his eyes and the girl call for me telling me that it is dangerous for us to split up. And what were the dangers? The rats? No thanks. I was a level higher than them, wasn't I? And how much harm can a bunch of rats bring. You can just jump over them and they will leave you alone if you don't step on them. The two elves obviously didn't have the ability of avoiding them "gracefully", as I saw them kicking, jumping, yelping and struggling to get away from the little rodents on the other side in a manner so hilarious that I could not stifle a huge-hearted laugh, soon to receive glares.

Whooopsie... But what did I find over here? A switch, it seems. I wonder what does it do. I pulled it, before running around the corner and grinning happily at the opened exit. But making fun of the elves was just... fun. So... I went back and pulled down the switch.

"You found cheese in what?" I asked, looking weirdly at the two.

"Inside the rats" Iya answered as I went back in history and remembered what happened at biology class.

"You know that there are studies that demonstrate that no real life rodents eat cheese, do you?" I asked in a I-know-everything-in-the-world manner.

"Maybe, but we have cheese" Ean answered in an engrossed manner "... that came out of a rat's stomach... but...It's still food and any help is encouraged" he added, half-heartedly.

"Where did they get this idea from?" I asked, simply.

"Who?"

"Them"

"Them?"

"Yeah, them"

"Oh, them. Well, I guess from some source of knowledge from the future that we don't know of yet and that probably has some short abbreviation."(1) Ean said, deeply. I thought about the elf's statement and facepalmed myself after realizing what the guy just said. **.stupid.**

I turned to him with a stoic expression and started laughing in a very superior manner. He was daydreaming of future knowledge sources that make people gain information in a very simple way. Yeah, right. Just in how many centuries?

"Yeah, and you bet people in the future will be standing before magical suitcases that can answer any of your questions, right?" (2) I asked him sarcastically. He looked at me weirdly and started contemplating.

But of course I got chased around again, because I played with the elves and the switch-operated gate. Some mysterious force was closing the gate every time they went near it. And every time they backed off, the gate was opening again. The mysterious force being, of course, me. But they eventually got it and realized how my game was working; fact that was inevitable looking at the noise that the rusty switch was making.

And I am so unimportant that I stole their up-pointed-green-arrow-thingy again. After we left the sewer, that is. Outside was as cold as in Shaelnir. But not as horrifying.

What the fudge are those? A hybrid between snails, snakes and fish? I take back my statement. This looked worse than the Snow Hag. If she could make you lose your appetite, then theses stuffs could make you throw up. I cannot tell how gross was to watch those elves struggle killing those things. But for the sake of the amusement, I watched.

What a sudden turn of the events... A house right where you need it. And Iya going unconscious right on the path to the house, like a ordinary Mary Sue character that faints minutes after kicking the monsters' asses without ever mentioning that she even felt sick.

As far as I know, when someone goes unconscious, you try to wake him/her up immediately as this fainting is utterly dangerous. But no, because the events here happen in a perfectly pre-arranged manner, Ean had to carry her to the house in a very heroic way. Uhh, and I don't mean the way a normal people carry other people around. He was... walking backwards, and the laying Iya was a few centimeters behind him, being dragged on the ground by unseen forces? Okay. So this was WEIRD.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked subconsciously, way too amazed by what was happening. "This breaks all the laws of physics!"

As every character takes the problem lightly, Ean shrugged his shoulders and continued on walking backwards. And as everything couldn't go weirder, the second he knocked at the door, the light started dimming and a couple of letters appeared a little ahead of the house. I wanted to read them, but that was impossible, assuming that they were facing the other side... Too bad.

The Oracle looked like the Snow Hag. Only a bit older, hump-backed and more colorful, I shall say. But why was she living in a small, tiny house like this? Oh, she needed to come aid Ean and Iya, right? Yes. And where the rat's painful kicked ass was the real owner? Sent off to somewhere backstage while the Oracle takes his place here and helps the 'ones in need'.

The Oracle explained the two how things were going. So, to make a long story short, Iya lost her spirit because the Snow Hag was draining it from her by every day, she needed to find it and stop the Snow Hag from taking over the world, Ean had a minor role in this and that is to unite the kingdoms and announce them of the arrival of the Snow Hag's army (to quote him _"Does this mean minor to you?"_) and that's mainly it. Oh and did I mention that the spirit Iya needed to take back was being guarded by some fairies? Hint Hint.

Well, there was a chest behind the Oracle, aaaand Ean wanted to open it... aaaaand the Oracle wasn't moving her * cough * old * cough * ass out of the way. Not to mention that Ean was not exactly the definition of "fat" and could have simply slipped himself trough the space between the Oracle and the objects nearby. But no, he had to wait till the Oracle decided to move out of the cramped space so he could steal whatever the poor owner had in that chest. That is not nice.

I have always wondered what was that cave entrance leading to. Wish I haven't; I almost broke my spine when those two slender-looking-elves-that-are-heavier-than-they-seem landed on me. Imagine that. They didn't even apologize, no. Because telling eachother that they "did it without breaking any leg" was more important.

Alright, fine. Then I shall not share with you what I have just found here, in a place where you never thought that a cave entrance might be. It was a small dwarf wandering around there, but I did not pay attention to him. I took every single weapon that could be taken and left the cave. Tee hee, now the elves were lacking levels _AND_ weapons. I had no idea what I should do with them, tough. They were freaking heavy. Especially that Osmium Dagger that happens to be made of the world's one of the most dense metal. Osmium, that is. Oh, really...

Ean and Iya asked me where did I get that backpack from, and I wasn't able to respond them in the very second as I was pretty unsure as well. RPG-perfection-technique, I shall call it? Yea, that should do it.

And so, we were headed off to the first foreign town I've ever been to.

I must say that the way of traveling around this world is just so weird. I had the slight impression that the road in the Istir Forest ended into... _nothingness?_ But it was just an impression. For a second, I thought we were just so huge we could, theoretically, destroy cities by only stepping on them. Nah, it's just me... Although I could swear we stepped on a city. Whatever.

Crows? And chickens? Aw, come on! How much damage a couple of birds can bring? Well, I don't know that; I was sitting back, watching the elves fight. But they seemed pretty into it. Oh boy...

People in this village were clearly so reckless. There were clothes all over the village. What was it called again? River? No, wait. That is the word the name of the village is similar to. Well, more like a small kid not pronouncing "river" correctly... More like "ree-vaah". Ah that's it! It's called Ryva. And it's a farming village. And eighteen year-olds carry around dynamite. That's so... ordinary!

And Ean took this guy with us. Oh great. Did I mention that he had green hair? No? Well, he has. And he fights monsters with a... sling. Pfft! Awesomeness! His name is something weird as well. Reye or Raye... no, it's Rye. I should practice remembering weird names.

"What are you doing?" I asked suddenly, looking at the group who was entering a house. "You enter people's houses like that?"

"Uh.. Yes?" I shook my head at Rye's answer and followed them.

Oddly enough, the people living in that house had no problem with entering their house just like that. And of course they all acting like the Snow Hag's little minion in Shaelnir.

"I left my novel next to the waterfall. Can you get it for me?" A boy in that house asked as we walked past him.

"I never asked what you left and where. Who do you think we are, your servants?" I said before the three accepted the mission eagerly.

"Why don't you get it yourself?" I asked, crossing my arms and giving the guy a mean look.

"Because I am lazy."

"Good argument"

"Lots of people in Ryva will tell you they hate me because I am lazy"

"I don't care who hates you or what shoe size you wear"

I wanted to continue to speak with the intelligent reading addict, but I saw the group leaving the house and found the most appropriate thing to do is to ask why they were all going to retrieve one book. They were scared of the crows. Yes, because crows and chickens can kill you...

After all, Ryva wasn't that great. Greater than Shaelnir, anyway. But the climate it's still to hot for me. I don't know what this leads to, but I am pretty curious. Oh, yes. Beds here suck.

…...

1-reference to TVs XD

2-reference to laptops XD

Ah! I finished this one tooooo~ Now I just have to remember what order events are happening in Av2 o.o

Oh no.

Hope you enjoyed~ ^^


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I did not agree to go _past_ the bridge and to the waterfall. I knew that something stupid will happen if I follow those maniacs around. So I stayed on that side of the river as they were walking in parallel with me and only the distance of a river separated us. How pretty! But they were having trouble with the birds. Only that this time a slingshot was on their back. Wow. That was some great addition to their general attack power.

I met a pair of chickens on my way to the waterfall. And weren't they friendly! As friendly as a chicken can be. One of them even laid an egg... in the middle of the grass...(this is not normal!).But the bad aim of clumsy Rye scared them away and, incredibly and ironically enough, the pebble smashed the egg into pieces. Either Rye was luckier than I was, either he was much of a greater ranger than I thought.

Oh, _yay_... I found another cave with a dwarf inside it. This time filled with equipment. I just thought for a bit and... Rye couldn't possibly be luckier than me. Since he wasn't in the cave, gathering all that armor and equipment (that I didn't need).

A pebble hit me in the eye as I was exiting the hidden cave. Nope, Rye couldn't be much of a better ranger than I thought, either.

"Did you just came out of a rock wall?" Iya asked me tactically.

"Yes." I said, soon to receive puzzled, if not desperate, looks from the trio. Wha-... **What the hell!**

The Istir forest path ended into _nothing_ and after we stepped into the _nothing_, we found ourselves being dozens times larger than I ever remembered being and started stepping _on_ the cities, only to exit _nothing_ once again and find ourselves on the correct path, in the correct _size_. They all went through _that_ and were now being dumbstruck at my ability of waking trough stone walls? Please!

After they returned the book to that lazy guy, they received seventy-five gold coins. I would never, in my life, pay that much for the simple fact that I am lazy. Laziness is expensive in farming villages, I suppose.

After we left River (d'oh!), we were introduced to Ean's brilliant vehicle. A boat. A _boat_? That was it? Assuming that we already had stepped into a nothing, we were again huge. So Ean's boat was infinitely small. Not even a foot could fit in _that_. What was funnier was that _that_ was bigger than half of the River village.

I call it _that_, now, because the trio insisted on calling it a canoe (which was not).

I do not know what is happening to the world, but the moment I stepped on the _canoe_, everyone else disappeared. Where, I do not know; for their voices were still there. Okay. So they were all invisible. That meant I was invisible too, since I was in the... canoe as well. The canoe from which I could see a city one or two kilometers away in the distance. That city Rye spoke about. How boring.

The city was pretty close, but I did not understand why they sailed the boat and headed south since the Oracle made herself clear enough when she told us to hurry up. Not that I wanted to do specifically what the Oracle told us to do, since if The Snow Hag turned the whole world into ice, it wouldn't make any difference to me and to any other Shaenlir inhabitant, since it was a snowy city. But it was just mere curiosity. So... I asked.

"Aren't we going to... what was it called?" I asked, again finding myself in the difficult situation where I had to remember a weirdly-named city.

"Thais." Ean coughed.

"Did you just cough? Never mind. So why aren't we going to what-was-it-called?" I asked again.

"Thais!" This time he seemed to sneeze.

"Bless you...?" I said as he groaned exasperated. "Now could someone, please, answer my question?"

"We are going to explore the south. We saw a village on the southern part of the river." Iya said, with a 'I already said this once' look on her face.

"Wasn't it Ryva?"

…

Why... were they all looking so strangely at me?

"No...it is _**.**_" Oh, right... River. They have been talking about this for a while now. But I considered it unimportant, so I didn't pay much attention. All I remember is "_blah, blah, blah... go to_ (some bird... Pigeon!) _Pigeonwood southwest of These city_ (What the hell?)... _blah, blah, blah... not enough money for equipment... blah, blah..."_.

…

Well...

Well, it would be nice of me to help them with their equipment and money problem. What am I saying? I don't care if it's nice or not, this equipment is so damn heavy. I _really_ don't know how everything fit in one single backpack, but I do not care, for I am going to get rid of the back-twister.

The atmosphere in this village was way different from Ryva. It was rainy and dark. And that was everything I could say and that I will ever say about this village. Because that's it. And... it's called Ravenwood... not Pigeonwood... unfortunately. Because it is very original to name a village after the first thing that comes up in your mind when you first see the village and add the suffix "wood" to it. I say this because I heard that the two elves talking to the slingshot boy, telling him that they came from a village named Elfwood. _Wow._

The green-haired lady that was circling around the entrance of the city told us, _without being asked, but just passed by and slightly touched,_ that her opinion about the oak found in the forest across the river being a portal to a magical world was that it is silly. Opinion which offended mostly Ean and Iya, which were about to start and yell obscenities at her lack of knowledge. But considered it would make them look weird.

They finally did something smart.

Since sleeping in the cold inn, which was made completely out of wood and had the rain was dripping trough the swollen wooden roof, was not as comfortable enough for my _royal_ ass, I decided to stay up all night.

_Naaaah!_ Who am I fooling? I am overwrought, I can't even comment on anything anymore.

Though they all complained how tired they were, Ean kept on reminding me that I overslept and slowed them down with a few hours. What...? I slept only five hours that night and when I woke up, they were all staring creepily and angrily at me. What exactly does 'oversleep' mean to them?

I sincerely want to go and search that chest across that half-a-meter-long bridge. And I found that opportunity when Ean went over and entered a man's house, which was just a few dozen feet away from the chest. I did not want to be looked at angrily again because I opened the chest with whatever was inside it when anyone else but me is supposed to search it, so I slightly lifted the lid. As I heard the start of the sound that up-pointed-green-arrow-thingy was making everytime when raising above my head, I slammed the lid shut and sighed. No prize for me this time. What do I need it anyway for?

_Nothing._

Right, but giving it to the elves and Rye was not a smart idea either. Maybe I could let it go without having that thing up my head again; it creeps me out.

But I will get rid of the back-twisting equipment as it drains 50% of my energy when I carry it. So I will sell it.

I do not care why the shop keeper looked at me like that when I sold everything for now I have more money than I would have ever thought I will have. More exactly 157250 gold pennies. I have no idea on how the guy counted all that pennies so fast (since I've never seen banknotes but only coins before). The next step was not letting the elves see me with that noisy purse filled with coins.

"Where did you get all that money?" Ean asked, desperately. That was it with my plan.

"What money?" I asked, hiding the patched purse behind my back, slowly.

"This..." Ean hurried to grab my wrist and uncover my richness, but my empty palm was laughing at him. "... empty hand." Sighing he let me go and started worrying about his brand new hallucinating skill, leaving to pray at the goddess statue and donate gold pennies. That is nice.

Slapping my forehead, I watch the purse of money flow along with the thin stream. Did a oversized squirrel with a hat on its head just grab the purse from the stream and giggle, running off with it, between the trees?

That was not a hallucination that migrated from Ean to me, and I have no reason to worry about giant squirrels wearing funny hats fish money purses from the river, since I clearly went trough rougher nature mistakes. And my current care is that I have only two gold pennies left, donation from the ones that call me unimportant.

Oh boy.

I certainly have no more luck on my back.

At least the pain in my back is gone...

…...

I will go now because I feel like my eyes will fall in my mouth because of the tiredness.

Cheers~


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

What happened in the next day brought me not only a headache, but also left me with my consciousness heavy as a boulder. _Aw, crap! _ Rock talk again; this migraine of mine will eventually leave me behind and I will have nothing else to tell Rob when I return to Shaenlir! ….. I certainly need better friends.

To my dismay, the trio continued entering peoples' houses uninvited and without even knocking. But I grinned when one door was locked. Yes, because normal people just enter people's houses like that, and if the gods have no mercy and the door is locked, Alas, that's when they _actually_ knock. As if some idiot would unlock a door at a simple, polite knock after hearing shoulders bumping in the poor wooden object. Yesssss!

"That makes perfect sense, my dear elven friend." I thought out loud. Ean looked at me in an odd manner.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" Was that another way of saying _'I'm dumb, don't challenge my brain with sarcasm!'_, or the bump in the door just made his brain swap places with his stomach?

"No way! Continue the marvelous activity you are currently doing, they will answer if you break down the door."

"You think?"

No matter what people are saying, I stick to my experiences and my beliefs. Elves are _not that smart_. They talk to trees and bees and birds and whatnot. No one ever said that trees, bees and whatnot actually listen. But the elves are optimistic creatures; and lonely by my standards. They talk to the nonspeaking (and even inanimate) and still have that cheerful attitude. Although they are not very polite with squirrels, despite the beliefs where elves and squirrels were close friends. _They are not._ You will see what I mean later.

What the trio found after _invading_ other homes was that a vile creature hunted the villagers of Pigeonwood at night. Isn't that so amazingly original? No; -It probably was something like a werewolf or a were-something that, for some reason, was "were" and not "was", despite the laws of grammar- and that were-something somehow got hold of this lady's husband and probably ate him. Intriguing was the fact that no one was ever sent to search for -what's his name? Herbert?- Herbert and bring him back to his wife that didn't seem too affected either about the disappearance of her husband and was letting strangers snoop around her house.

"We are going to explore the forest west of Ravenwood and search for the beast." Ean declared, after a long talk with Iya and Rye about some nonsense.

"Isn't that dangerous, Ean?" Iya asked, squeaky voice.

"Might be, but we cannot leave these people in fear." Rye continued, bravely. I felt something like a sharp stone rolling in my stomach after the dialogue just took place between the trio. _Can we talk about anything else but rocks?_

After a long period of thinking and walking the forest of... What was it called?

"You, elf, what's this forest called?" I asked.

"Shadow Woods." Iya answered, without hesitation.

"How do you know?"

"It writes over there-" She said, pointing over to southwest. A group of letters might have formed the name of the forest, but they were floating in midair, right next to a small map; yet I could not read them. They were facing the other side. I am not surprised, all the informative stuff is facing the other side -and if you think over this for a bit, it shows up that the only things you seem to see are asses-. That's what life mainly is.

So after a long period of thinking and walking the forest of Shadow Woods (this makes no sense at all!), I never remembered what the reward for this stupid quest was, as I believe it was never mentioned. Stupid thing, yes? I considered asking Ean what the reward was, but he never gave intelligent answers, Rye was acid with me and Iya would go report me to Ean whenever I asked something that they all called "selfish questions". No one to talk to.

"Hey, you stupid forest, what was the reward for this stupid quest we're doing?" I shot, Iya hissed and whispered something in Ean's ear. The elf shook his head at me with a scowl before the only human could answer me.

"Nothing- Experience!" Rye rectified his answer in a fraction of a second before I could pout. Instead I rolled my eyes.

"No! You get experience from pulling a lever in some hidden invisible cave where's a dwarf that will bite you if you talk to him. Duh!" I said, sighing.

…

"What?" Rye blinked at me.

"Nothing." I said, getting away from him before he could check my temperature.

Nice was the fact that the forest was filled with squirrels running around like mad. They were really cute, in my opinion. Kinda stupid, the fact that they were on the ground and not in trees, circling like headless flies, but still cute in a dumb way. There were also foxes. Foxes that bit. Bad! Well, I didn't have the pleasure to experience fangs in my arm, but the archer with a slingshot did. And by the girly way he cried in, I suppose those foxes bit pretty bad. What made my brain twist was that there were oversized, green dragonflies wandering around in groups with the foxes and they looked more 3D than every animal I've met before. I'm not sure what _a dragonfly could hurt with_, but they threw some dust. Wow and ouch, that must really not hurt.

An apparently important road that must have led to something very important was to be a huge disappointment. Because it led to a stupid chest. That had a stinking shield inside it. That road _led_ to something, for it was way too large and important-looking. I will eventually find out what was edited around here and ask a few explanations on this.

We had to turn around and go back to the bifurcation because of the road that led to nothing. And we eventually found a squirrel that guarded something. The little animal had the nerve to bare its teeth at us. Wow. Four little teeth are threatening us, teeth that are usually used at- do you have any idea just _how large_ a squirrel is? Two fists, maximum three, right? Oh, well, its teeth are insignificantly small. And its little skull could be fairly well crushed with a boot like the ones I wear -thing that I wasn't allowed to do-.

But noh, Ean must speak to the squirrel because "we must be in order with the nature, ihihi". Amusing was that he ended up _losing_ in front of the squirrel, leaving with a pout. How lame is that?

I wished mister "I-am-so-lame-I-lost-to-a-squirrel-but-I-pwn-this-Yetiman-with-a-wolf-skin-on-his-back" good luck on talking to the Neanderthal man that must have suffered a serious accident in which his face was disfigured, for his mandible was the most prominent feature of his entire appearance. Orc.

"Tonight I am to kill the beast that haunts this lands." He announced, threateningly, not affected by the fact that his home was being entered in by "shrimps".

"None of us ever asked." I said, already annoyed.

"Shht, there." Ean ordered. "You are really brave, the people from Ravenwood will really appreciate this."

"I don't care about what those louts appreciate or not, the beast shall be killed tonight."

_Silence was pressing on my stomach. _Hungriness, damn you!

"Cool, can I check out your chest?" I asked, bluntly.

"If you know what's good for you, don't."

"Okay."

Leaving in a dramatic manner and telling us that we know our own way out, the woodsman spun around and closed the door, having no weapon on him. Now I was curious how he's gonna beat up a beast without anything but his hands. Maybe tickle it to death?

I thought a bit about what's good for me and opened the chest. Inside was dynamite. What a disappointment, I hoped to find gold, gems, something more valuable. Thinking that the woodsman was guarding his dynamite with such passion, I thought that if he did not manage to kill the beast, go back home and blow himself up. Which would be kind of senseless, since he could simply get killed by the beast. This breaks my mind.

"Let us go and see if the woodsman could handle the beast on his own." Iya said, to no one in particular.

"Oh, don't rush, the guy is strong. I'll just go ahead of you and you'll catch up." I said, finding a reason to get away from them for a while.

"Why?" Rye asked.

"To make sure the road is safe for you." I said, cordially while the group seemed to think profoundly.

"That makes sense, go ahead. You aren't important anyway."

As much as I wished to cut Rye in two for saying that _again_, I continued my way, thinking that one way or another, I will find something that would give them a hard time. _Wait, they already had a hard time._ I don't know why I wanted to prove that I wasn't that unimportant as they said; they were a bunch of losers, I had nothing to prove to them.

I felt like a librarian talking to a gypsy. None would change the way of thinking and the fight could never end.

For the moment, I followed the way between the trees and reached a protuberance in the middle of the woods. It didn't seem to have more than four square meters, but the inside even had _two_ chambers _and _ some stairs. Now that's some use of space.

What followed made my back hurt.

By the way, I never said my name.

…...

And he won't do it too soon either. All you need to know now is that he's a thirteen old boy. That's that. His name is not Bob.

And this chapter is done too. I will update sooner or later, since I have to go trough all the game once again, to really _register_ the events. Well, then. See you around.

Cheers~


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I must say that the moment I entered the cave and saw the Woodsman on the ground, next to the entrance of the cave, my mind had been twisted. Gasping for air, he grabbed my clothes and I lived a tensioned moment until he let go (I was afraid that my pants would drop if he pulled any longer; fortunately, they didn't). He sniffed, pointed towards a perfectly round boulder and murmured at me something about pushing that boulder a little closer towards the edge but not let it fall.

I don't really know the whole purpose of this operation I was currently following, but I just went with the flow and climbed the stairs, passed the weird-looking switch and the even more weird-looking bridge that didn't bother to swing as I bounced on it, and to the boulder that had to be pushed just a little closer to the edge. I pushed it in, maybe, fifteen minutes and had a terrible lumbar pain in my back the following five days.

Amazing was the fact that the three managed to get to the lair in those fifteen minutes. Now I don't really want to go asking how the hell that woodsman managed to get as far as to the cave entrance while being terribly wounded _and _ pushing a boulder to trap the beast beforehand.

This beast was not only stupid, but also lacked animal instinct. I don't fuss over it too much when I encounter humans that have these two attributes, but finding them in an animal is just plain wrong. The wolfish creature was big enough to eat a man, but couldn't possibly pass the round boulder blocking the way to its lair by simply jumping over it.

I know what I said when I mentioned the nature going all crazy.

I returned to the woodsman just as the trio entered the cave. Ean rushed over to him and knelt beside, asking the woodsman what had happened, pushing me aside like I've never been there.

"It got me..." The woodsman mumbled.

"Let me help you, I can take you to the village."

"It's too late for me...Get the beast...trap is laid... lure it into the trap, lad..."

After the woodsman mumbled the words in the same manner he told me to move the boulder, Ean hurried to the staircase, climbed another level and pushed the boulder I previously fought with over the edge. The two rocks smashed together and the beast started crawling around the lair like a cockroach. Ean hurried to the lever, with the beast behind him and just as the creature reached the middle of the bridge, the elf switched the lever.

I won't comment anything about how stupid the fact that the bridge just _disappeared_ form underneath the beast was, although it was, but I will say that the beast was finally captured in a cage that was conveniently placed just under the bridge.

"How the hell do you do that?" I asked, looking at the sprawled man of the forest. I am sincerely not surprised that I received no answer.

"We need to go tell the villagers in Ravenwood that we captured the beast. They will know what to do with it." Ean said, looking at the beast, after the animal snarled at him. It was not a pretty creature. Why didn't the elves try to communicate with "the Goddess' creation", I have no idea. But thinking back at the conversation he had with the squirrel, I king of start getting an idea.

As he was about to leave the lair without exploring it thoroughly (come on, _everyone_ does that), he was called over again, by the woodsman.

"Don't leave yet...get the relic..." The guy said.

"The relic?" Ean asked, epically.

"It's in the beast's lair..." The woodsman answered, even more epically, in that _'I don't have time to explain, go see yourself'_ manner.

Before I noticed that Iya and Rye had been standing in the background as wax statues since we entered the lair, I was being asked to keep up with the others and forced to follow the trio in the semi-illuminated lair. The lair inside the lair.

Entering the lair in the lair, I wondered how in the world the beast could light the candles found in wall cavities with the ginormous claws. Also, in the room was a table, but no bed, or at least a pile of straws covered by some rag. My brain twisted already too much, what bad can another knot of sanguine vines do to me?

On the table was a wooden sculpture of a beast. When Ean reached for it, the woodsman entered the camber and told him to take it, like he wasn't about to anyway. I asked how he managed to come in the lair on his own feet, but Iya elbowed my stomach. When the elf touched the wood, he turned into the beast for one second, before turning again into an elf. Another stupid dialogue followed.

"I...I turned into the beast!" Ean growled, not sounding too at peace, as an elf should be.

"Take it, boy. Wrap it in something if you have to. It belongs to you now." The woodsman talked without any difficulty, now.

"But I don't want it. I don't want to turn into that...that...thing." Now Ean was _really _ talking like a girl.

"That _thing_ was a man at one time. He let the beast take over. You don't have to share his fate."

"This is silly. We're leaving." Ean puffed, smugly. The woodsman inhaled deeply.

"Look, boy, I don't know who you are, where you came from or why you have ridiculously pointed ears..." He paused, his face distorting while looking at Ean's auditive organ. I stepped forward automatically.

"High five for that." I and the woodsman high fived. "You deserve a meatball."

Everyone was looking at me.  
"What?"

"Where's my meatball?" The woodsman asked, looking at me.  
"I said you deserve one, not that you get one." The guy looked at me with a disgusted expression and then at the group with a sorrowful one. Shaking the discussion we just had, the woodsman looked at Ean and retook the grave tone he used earlier, before I interfered.

"It is no mistake that you've come here to this lair. The transfigurine brought you. It's chosen you. I don't know why."

"Because...!" I started, intending to continue with _"of his pointy ears!"_but stopped at glare that multiplied by four and grimaced, wrinkling my nose, not desiring to hear the rest of the dialogue between Ean and the woodsman.

"Well, I don't want it. I don't want to turn into the beast." I yawned before starting to elbow my way between Rye and Iya.

"You are far away from home boy. You are in a dangerous land. The beast may be the only thing that saves you from this cursed world." The woodsman made a pause as I rolled my eyes, heading for the exit. "I..." Just as I passed him, I heard a thud and spun around to see him sprawled on the floor. The three were glaring at me, frowning. _What the hell?_

I didn't do anything.

This time.

In vain did I try to prove that, I was given the title. **"Woodsman killer" ** That could have been cool if I had actually done it. But I didn't and insisted on my innocence.

"Let's pretend you are being honest. The guy was wounded anyway." Rye said as Ean took the transfigurine with a cloth I have no idea where he took from, and ordered for us to get moving out of the creepy place.

Just who made him king? This elf was the only one talking, leading and ordering everytime, like he had some grandiose importance to the quest. I remember when the Oracle told him he had a _minor_ role in uniting the kingdoms just after she told Iya to hurry up and get her spirit back. If we use a little math in the following equation it will result: Iya needs the souls and the Snow Queen must be defeated, therefore the kingdoms must be united against the Snow Queen. Good. If we analyze this thorougher, the elves have different missions until now. But the Oracle also recommended Ean to go with Iya. So their separate quests get to be a huge bowl of mashed potatoes. So there is nothing separate in this. The only one being background really is Rye. His only answer is the unchangeable "I'm with them."

I didn't give a crap for the second transfigurine Ean found. But I only noticed he had it just after I saw him being a huge, gray fur covered beast, crawling beside us in a manner so creepy it almost disgusted me.

"How do you turn back into an elf?" I asked, not looking at him but at what was before me.

"I have a transfigurine in the shape of an elf. Duh!" He rolled the two black marbles he called eyes at me.

"And what if it is only a sculpture?" I pressed the matter. He didn't reply right away but I think I heard something like a hiss escape the wolfish throat. In his immense pride, he just humphed a few dozens seconds later.

And avoiding to believe what they all claimed to have scared the squirrel was Ean, I just moved to the empty cottage as the beast was digging the loose ground, to find some orbs with pretty figures in them. _Absolutely freaking awesum!_

Before retrieving the dynamite from the chest with the lack of shame only people that steal from a dead man's house have, the trio practically forced me to keep up with them as we were heading back to the village.

I refused to go back to the lair after they have warned the villagers, since I found it plain useless. Instead, I stayed behind and had a cup of tea with the green haired woman that circled around the entrance to Ravenwood.

Her name is Villager. I consider her most intellectual.

More than many other people I know, anyway.

…...

Oh mah gah. I am so happy because I managed to find this chapter and that I finally finished it after a long hibernation.

I will go sleep now, please comment.

Cheers~


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Until I finished my tea, the two villagers with my fellow companions came with the beast in a cage. I did not ever saw them leave and from what I remember from what the elves told me, by the time they arrived in an heroic manner, late, as usual, the villagers were already there. How they carried the enormous thing, I shall not ask, since Ean cannot even carry two pounds with those arms, same goes for Rye and if Iya was the last hope, she is a Mary Sue, so, no. What I know is that ordinary men cannot carry six hundred pounds. Especially if they're only two. This screws my mind so bad, I shall not mention it ever again.

Without getting a reward, we moved on, leaving Birdwood and following the grand path towards these city. I mean Thais.

We passed a hilly area called GreenWeed Plains, which were, to my relief, green. I really expected them to be purple or any color except green. These plains were crowded by bears and another series of three-D creatures. Those creatures were, more specifically, snakes with some ginormous heads that were one third of their body and were walking so very fast I was forced for nine minutes not to blink.

I refused to search for a magical cave again, since I started creating suspicions amongst the trio. Instead, I just stood back and watched them slaughter the creatures, trying not to get sick. The elves did really not seem to be one with the nature now.

Thais was actually very confusing and it was fairly hard not to get lost in it. I had to follow the trio running around like ants, as they followed their instincts and continued entering people's houses uninvited and getting themselves into all sorts of quests that were either pointless, or were done for lazy or apparently retarded people. Rye kept some sort of diary with these to-do lists(because there was a list for every town or village we visited).

One of the quests was to turn a statue into a living person again, because the statue was a thief who was cursed by a witch... Alright, but why?

Another one was to find a missing deed from the successor of a clockmaker, which was, apparently, in a difficult juridic situation with her father's house. Because she was a clockmaker's daughter and could not notice the clock that wasn't working properly upstairs, even with a clock key placed strategically just beside the clock.

For no apparent reason, Ean decided to fix the clock and grabbed the key majestically. When he said that he would use the key on the clock, I didn't thought he was going to break the glass door of the clock with it. And when he said he found a secret compartment, I though about something else than the compartment revealed by the broken glass. Trough which you could clearly see a paper with the large bold title "DEED".

However, Raquel did reward our good deed with a spell, which was practically useless at the moment, since none of us could learn it. But because people in my generation act like foodless animals, they decided to keep the spell, for they might need it later at any other stupid quest of theirs.

One other quest in Rye's journal was to join the resistance in a town which was spelled "T-H-A-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-S-S-S" almost as if I was retarded and did not know how to spell Thais. And how did Rye know that I was going to get hold of his journal _accidentally_?

"Give me back my quest journal, you slug thief!" Rye snapped, snatching the notebook from my fingertips.

"You can have it, it's full of crap. How do you suppose you'll get blessings for Iya? You yourself get the blessing for her or what?" I demanded, frowning at the older guy.

"I have no explanation to give to you, nor am I obliged to talk to you!" I looked at him blankly.

"Fine then!" I said, crossing my arms before remembering something. "You forgot to check the quest for Rquel's deed as marked, by the way."

Rye opened the journal and drew a straight line on one row.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"From this moment, I am not obliged to talk to you!" He added, before spinning on his heel and following the elves.

That's what you get for trying to be nice. However, I followed him, since I can't manage by myself in the city of T-H-A-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-S-S-S. Especially if we are to enter the castle, which is strategically placed right next to the jail.

A dramatic moment followed with a matching background music and a serious dialogue took place between the prince of Thais and Ean. The main idea was that the prince introduced himself without someone ever asking and after Ean tried to be a diplomatic smartass, prince Uthar replied shortly that he was already aware of what the elf told him and even more than that. That was epic, yet the alliance between the trio and Thais(I myself did not sign anything and I have no idea how the others did, since they are all underage) was created and they were given the task of delivering a letter that had a little heart on the envelope to princess Ella the fifth or sixth of a town which had a bird name again. It started with C and I lack skill at remembering names, so there it is.

I cannot do anything else but only speculate what's behind the letter with a heart on it.

Rye crossed out a quest from his journal and added a new one. Like we were postmen and had to deliver some important love letter between the princes of two major cities which are expected by everyone to marry, thing that has no influence on our main quest of stopping the Snow Queen, whatsoever. _One postman, in my opinion, is braver than all of them combined, because postmen fight dogs. Not rats. _

Moving on, the road to the city of Condor (bah, I hate names) was as annoying as the Green Weed Plains. Full of thieves and no possibility to run away from them. What we stumbled upon on or way to Vulture was interesting, though. It was a farm. An empty one with a peach orchard. Peach orchard in which a sole keeper called Bedella had some problems regarding english grammar. Because as far as I know, "world-renown" is correct, and not "world-renowed".

This magical place was called "Grimm's farm". Scary name. And illogical, since I don't remember anyone from the farm being named "Grimm" or claiming that the farm was founded by some grand-grand-grand-predecessor named Grimm.

Another interesting fact about the Brighwood Forest (since I learned that it was what it was called) was that it possessed a pedestal hidden behind many trees, on which was this golden orb. Greedily, Ean hurried to grab it, but to my satisfaction, it slipped out of his hands and a riddle echoed right when Ean tasted the dirt.

"_Karma keeps me safe from all,_

_For you I shall not fall." _

is what the orb seemed to say.

"Couldn't you have said "karma keeps me safe from all, and from you I shall not fall"?"I asked, noting the lack of symmetry between the two verses.

"_No."_ the divine sphere voiced at me.

"Okay."

"Does karma mean doing good deeds?" Rye asked, a bit worried about the fact that he just previously stabbed some pigeons in Thais with his arrows because "he needed to practice his skills".

"I suppose so..." Iya said thoughtfully. I grimaced, looking at them, certainly not even imagining them donating blood and two pennies each for children that have cancer, not even donating ten pennies at the statues. They stole from a dead man, for God's sake.

They were almost so blinded by greed, they did not notice the fact that the sphere on the pedestal was identical with the Phoenix Sphere Iya possessed. But they had to get that dratted sphere. So I was dragged around again, to find the nearest town, more specifically, Eagle.

What's wrong with people and their love for giving towns bird names, I won't ever understand in this life.

"It's called Candar." Iya corrected me with that kind, but still not tolerating me attitude of hers.

"Are you sure?" I asked, assured that it was Condor.

"Absolutely."

"Shht, I think I see a city." I shushed her, noticing something glittering in the distance.

"Yes...it's Candar." She said, frowning.

"We are getting close to the city and you are looking for birds?"

"No, it _is_ Candar!" She exclaimed.

"Sheesh, _elves_!" I yelled and stomped the earth angrily ahead of the three.

I later noticed that in my desperation of getting away from them, I really did annoy Iya on purpose. Oops.

.-.-.-.-

-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-...-.-.-..-.-.

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY. This is absolutely immature. But I loooove dry humour.

Enjoy and comment!

Cheers~


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Maybe the only fact that surprised me at Candar -that was so tactically named with a word that could easily be mistook for the name of a bird of prey, despite its reputation as "the city of love"- was that the city itself wasn't in the shape of a heart. If all the hearts that covered the many surfaces of the buildings in Candar were different colors, I would be grateful to suffer from Dalton's disease, if the colors of the city weren't ones to contrast the gray look of Thais.

After a tour of the city, taking whatever they liked from every house they found a chest in and after Rye had added another two quests in his notebook, we hurried to solve the first one, which was for lady with purple hair who claimed to be a renown novelist. Apparently, this lady's last manuscript went missing and the first one she blamed was, of course, the concurrent writer.

I followed the elves around as they ran around the town to get to Beatrice's house and ask her to hand the manuscript. Obviously, she did not mention stealing the item, but instead, was pretty happy about its disappearance. Yet, she placed it on a table right in the same room.

"What do we do now, Ean?" asked Iya. "Beatrice won't ever give the manuscript to us."

"We'll have to wait until she leaves the house." Ean said as he and his friends hurried outside the house, leaving me behind to explain to the woman why am I not nuts because I hang around with them before I left myself.

Their plan was absolutely brilliant and it worked on their basis principle of "taking while the owner's not looking".So we left the town and returned just a few seconds after, to remark with stupor (at least I can speak for myself) that there was a line of three persons to a table at which sat Beatrice. Three. Out of her millions of fans, three were here to get her new book. And they were just standing, just like her, doing nothing.

"Hello, darlings, are you here for an autograph?" She said cordially, not caring about the fact that we never waited in line and handed me one of the books on the table.

"No."I shot with stoicism giving the book back to her.

"Fine. Then, why don't you go to Ivanna to buy one of _her_ books?" Beatrice sniffed, dropping the book back on the table.

"I think I might, actually."I roared, attempting to leave.

"No, wait!"She yelped, dusting aside one of her curios fans. "I will give three of my signed books if you leave the table yelling loudly _"Beatrice Love is the best novelist ever!"._"I eyed the woman in a weird manner.

"I can do that, but now that I know how desperate you are, I might as well spread the news." I said, turning my back to the novelist and caught up with the group, which was already at the entrance to Beatrice's house. Before I could blink, they grabbed the book and hurried to Ivanna to collect their reward.

Just out of curiosity, I left the town and returned, heading towards Beatrice Love's house. I found her inside, seemingly, upset because Ivanna managed to ruin her plan. When I asked her what she was going to do, she said she would write a unsolicited biography about her called "_Ivanna Rose_: The terror within". That moment, I remembered the trio talking to a couple of girls which were arguing about her favorite writer between the two so famous yet so poorly known novelists, and I can swear that both of them said that the purple haired lady's full name was _Ivanna Rhapsody. _

_Soooo, what is her name, after all? _

I had to leave the investigations on the true identity of Ivanna the novelist for another time, for my companions had already headed to a house, Rye leading the way confidently. He had a chat with a random maid in that house that was called Emma and paid for her to enroll at the school in Thais without an apparent reason. After that, they went to thecastle of Candar, in order to hand Ella the (love) letter from Uthar. She eagerly accepted the alliance with Thais and handed another envelope with a heart on it in order for us to take it back to Uthar.

And we had to retrace our steps back to Thais trough the wonderful Brightwood forest. I shall skip that part since watching the trio slaughter thieves is not a nice image.

When we were heading towards the castle of Thais, we passed Raquel's mansion and I noticed a man with green hair that was absolutely identical to another man that was wandering around the entrance to Thais. Going back to see if it wasn't the same man that has just switched places, I saw the same green haired man wandering around the entrance, as he last was. He welcomed me to Thais and I found out that his name was Citizen. Returning to speak to his twin brother, I found out that his name was also Citizen and he told me about prince Nicolas being a great healer.

As I was just being mindfucked, the three started yelling after me to hurry up and follow them already.

"You don't deserve my attention!" I said, crossing my arms childishly in a desperate attempt to prove my importance.

"We won't give you cheese anymore!" Ean threatened, frowning at me. I stared at him for a while, but he seemed pretty serious, so I ran to catch up, scared that I won't be eating cheese never again if I don't do what they say.

Giving the letter to Uthar, he read it at supersonic speeds and made up a story about a weapon of great power being hidden in some place over the sea and that they need to travel to another city to seek guidance of a friend of his whose codename was Rip. As if we all didn't know that was a love letter from Ella. The trance given by his love made him create the weirdest of the codenames for himself: Dragon Dung.

We were also indicated to take his younger brother on our journey. His name was Nicolas. Without an 'h', weirdly enough. Then he set us off, hurriedly, blushing.

Nicolas looked smug enough, with his emo blonde bangs over his eyes and a superior pout, I was ready to leave him be in his depressing state. But I had to argue with the other three, who were assured that taking Nicolas with us was a good idea. Although he didn't like the idea too much, he also accepted, with his nose wrinkled, but he accepted.

From the moment the mage stepped into our sacred friend circle, things started going terribly wrong, for the prince was complaining at every step about some dirt particle that entered his eyes and was causing him back pain.

I eventually saw the importance of the dynamite when it was used by Rye to blow up a pile of rocks that blocked our way in the Blackpebble Pass (I have a feeling that this is not the correct name, yet again). Although that pile of rocks could _easily_ be climbed in less time that it took Rye to light the dynamite. I actually did ask why we didn't climb the rocks and I wish I had not.

"Why don't we just climb the rocks?" I asked, yawning, while Rye was struggling to light a match. I encountered another moment of silence, in which I asked myself what had I asked so wrong.

"Are you making me short? Are you saying that I am so small, I can't climb a few rocks?" Ean demanded, looking me in the eye.

"I... never said that, but now that you mentioned it..." I murmured, being cut off by a loud hiss coming from both elves.

"I would have said that I'm a girl and I can't climb rocks, but after the insult you've addressed to Ean, I don't think I'll ever be able to talk to you again." Iya said, sadly, in her ever-so-Mary-Sue voice before both elves could turn their backs at me.

Great loss, like they've never said that before and the first second they remained without money, who did they come to?

When I turned to ask prince Nicolas what was his excuse for not climbing the rocks, I received the coldest scowl I ever saw in my entire life. His face would put the Snow Queen to shame easily. My spine was so frozen, I thought it will smash, so I just turned away from the scary prince, not wanting to press the matter and discover his array of facial emotions.

We stopped by a town named Bogwood, and not Seri, as Dragon Dung told us. Because we were too tired to continue our way trough the massive pass full of birds and spiders that can tear off your skin, yet they are smaller than the bears in Green Weed plains.

Of course the Swampy Marsh or the Marsh Mallow Swamp or whatever it was called was more interesting -to the prince's disgust- to the elves than a rocky pass. And we made it there in double the time, for we had to search it thoroughly and collect everything we could collect. Meaning a pink wand (which Iya soon categorized as being Calliope's wand and the others were fast to agree, and I have no idea why she knew that), a frog full of warts, and all the slimy slime they could pick, when searching the corpses of (what a surprise!) the Swamp Slimes.

_How can slime die? No, how can slime live? It's __**slime**__!_

We eventually got to the village of witches, and I know this is not good at all.

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Awh, this slime discussion gives me time to think about a better world. Enjoy the sliminess!

Cheers~


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I know that from the moment we left Thais, Nicolas kept on a disgusted expression. But the moment we entered Bogwood (this name defeats me, I can't seem to find any relevance between the word "bog" and witches), his disgusted expression amplified, getting near enough to one of pure horror. I have a feeling that this prince dislikes witches. _But it might as well be only me._

It wasn't much to this village, only full of witches (and only two warlocks) and two children, who were also girls. This place... suffered _terribly_ from a crisis of Y chromosome. Another thing, the water wells had some skeletons inside them, placed as if they were crawling out of it. And they had candles on the edges. That... I don't understand and the word "why" is still echoing in my mind.

"I need warts! What am I going to do at this year's contest without warts?" One desperate witch was yelling in front of a northern house. As usual, the group hurried majestically, to aid her... _except Nicolas_, who remained behind, like me.

"Can we do anything to help you?" Iya asked.

"Find me a warty frog!" I didn't like the superior tone that witch used, but I understood the purpose of the frog in that moment. Yet, how did the elves know they were going to need the frog?

"We happen to have a frog, would you like it?" Ean said, handing Helga the frog covered in warts. Eagerly taking the frog, she rewarded their good deed with a jar labeled "Softening cream", explaining that it was good for curing stone spells.

The next thing that I had to see and that has traumatized me forever and made Nicolas throw up in the swamp was the image of the witch picking the warts on the frog with her index finger and her thumb, and carefully placing them on her face, one by one. It was so disgusting, I didn't know what to do in that moment, but the sound of Nicolas' sickness woke me up and I turned around, leaving horrified and entering the house ahead, that the three had just entered.

Closing the door behind me, I saw Ean talking to the witch inside.

"How are you?"Ean started.

"Have you met my daughter, Mipsey Mara? She is a famous actor here in Bogwood. I only let her act because she gets good grades in school." The witch said.

"I don't think that's what he asked you." I told the witch, but only after that, I noticed a report card on a chair, in the middle of the room. On it, it read: "Hexes: B; Charms: A-".

"Why did you put this in the middle of the room? Someone might trip over it." I said, frowning.

"Well, that's marvelous!"The witch said, happily before I rolled my eyes and attempted to leave the room. But the moment I opened the door, I felt a bump, a yelp and a thud, in that order! 

So I almost broke Nicolas' nose... Well, it was my fault, but I apologized. What did he expect, to bow on my knees and beg for forgiveness?

"Yes!" Nicolas yelled, holding a piece of cotton against his bleeding nose. I eyed him weirdly. "That would be appropriate to do wheb you harb a pribce." He said, his flawless British accent being ruined by his inability to pronounce "n"s and "m"s.

"You're a healer! Why don't you heal your nose yourself instead of bossing people around?" I said as he hissed and made that face again, the one he made in Bluerock pass (I got it wrong again, didn't I?).

Yet as no one in the party cared about what shape the prince's nose after it heals, _excepting him_, again, they all agreed to move on, to enter every house that could be found in the village of witches. The fancy one that was just beside the entrance of Bogwood and that had a sign in front of it which read: **"Home of Heptitus, Nymph of Wickedness"** was a fairly good choice. Although I was tempted to cross out the word "home" from the board and write "wreck" instead, I decided to leave it for a little later, as , as every time, the group entered the house, leaving me behind.

Hurrying to open the chest in the corner, Ean had to deal with Heptitus' glare (which was _not_ worse than Nicolas') and left the lid of the chest be, considering that it shall be opened when the witch is not at home.

Having a conversation with her was not a good idea either, as her being the nymph of wickedness refused from the start to give Iya her blessing. Yet she made a bargain with the party, which consisted of them getting her an acting agent and her _thinking_ about giving the elf girl the wickedness blessing. I was not surprised to see that no one found anything suspicious about her part of the bargain, as Rye filled his agenda at the "BOGWOOD" list with yet another quest to be done.

So did they go, happy and merry, _excepting Nicolas, who still had a sore nose_, to fulfill yet another dream of a lazy, potato couch, from which we won't get anything, if you look at it closely.

After _**THE**_ Mipsey Mara stomped Iya on the toe rudely and continued preforming her wonderful performace of _jumping in one place without doing absolutely anything else_ and being watched by only **one** person while she did that, we moved on to enter a building which had the symbol of a tavern above the door. And which was actually not a tavern... But before entering the building, Ean found it interesting to have a chat with one turquoise-haired witch that was circling around, behind the _empty_ _seats which were supposed to be filled with Mipsey's fans. _

"Have you seen that hunk, Gavin? All of the witches want him. If I had Calliope's wand, I could put a love spell on it."

"We have Calliope's wand, would you like it?" Ean asked, handing the wand to the witch.

"Is your name Calliope?" I asked, demandingly.

"No. My name is Hilda."

"Is the wand yours?"

"No, these nice yet sort of dumb children brought it to me. You were with them, what's with all these questions?"

I blinked at the witch's curiosity, but left her finish the conversation with Ean.

"As I was saying..." She said, eying me disrespectfully. "Gavin will be mine and all the witches will be jealous!" She said, cackling, before some magically sparkling sparkles hit Ean and Iya. After the wand had been used, they started acting all mushy for less than ten seconds before turning away from eachother and blushing, as the witch was laughing at the result of her mistake copiously.

Inside the tavern which wasn't a tavern, most of the witches were saying that Gavin is a hunk, or that Bogwood is full of acting witches. Informations which were immensely insignificant for me or for either of us, whatsoever, _especially for Nicolas_.

Ean went to talk to one red haired man that was standing still, and found out that he was the hunk everyone talked about. He seemed to be quite an amusing character, yet he was quite smug himself, _but infinitely inferior to Nicolas._

"All the witches are in love with me." That was the moment I rolled my eyes. "I tire of it. Take me with you. I need an adventure."After what I heard, I thought that he was severely incapacitated to make more elaborate phrases. Maybe he was cursed with the "talk-like-a-3-year-old" spell.

"Sure, you can come with us." Ean said before Nicolas could wrinkle his injuried nose.

"I'll bot travel with warlock scub. If he cobes, I go." Nicolas said.

The three consulted eachother in silence for a few seconds and booted Nicolas out of the party almost instantly.

"Fibe! If you beed be, I'll be back in Thais." He said, stomping his way out of the tavern.

"Good riddance!" Gavin giggled before the updated group moved on to another area of what was not a tavern, to talk to the acting agent. I was already bored of their lack of practical sense, yet I was hundreds of miles away from home (which was probably for the best) and I had to stick to this adventure, if it can be called an adventure.

While the group talked to the agent, I slipped away from them (to my disdain, it was dreadfully easy) and exited the building, sniffing the loaded air of the Swampy Marsh. As I was proceeding round the building, I saw Mipsey Mara sit on the stairs of the stage, with a quite upset face. I felt bad for her.

She sobbed when she felt my presence. I frowned and passed her.

"Oh, dear God, why is my life so depressing?" She asked, sadly, mimicking and gesticulating to the skies. I rolled my eyes and decided to see what she wanted.

"What is wrong, little girl?" She frowned at the fact that I didn't address to her as Mipsey Mara, but inhaled and brushed off my mistake.

"Oh, my dear brother, I don't wish to fill your soul with my troubles..." She recited before I cut her off.

"Yet, you will do."

"Exactly." She nodded, making a pause. "Dark clouds have filled the sky of my heart..." I frowned, sighing and reminding her that this was real life, not a play anymore.

"The girl I have been taking the report card from was turned into a toad. Now my mother will find out about my grades, I will be grounded from acting forever." She complained, stomping her feet on a step.

"So?" I asked, shrugging. "Change your grades." I said, briefly before a mischievous smile appeared on the girl's face and before she zoomed off.

I saw the little witch go to another girl her age and have a chat with her. And after a few moments, Mipsey grabbed something from the other girl's hand and ran off with it. I felt in a way then, yet I could not describe it and I can swear that this was not my masterpiece... But t would be quite false, right?

Because of me, the group had to run around Bogwood for a good amount of time. For they had to go to Gretel, the one in cause, see what was wrong with her, then go to Mipsey's house, check the grades, go back to Gretel again, tell her what they saw, then go to a teacher at school, which asked for slime in exchange of his services, and was unhappy with the slime they had already bought. So they had to make a tour back to the Marsh Mallow Swamp and collect some fresh slime, then go to the teacher again, which did as good as to teleport himself to the house of Mipsey Mara.

All this happened while I stood in one place, wondering what would have happened if I wouldn't have talked to Mipsey.

The group would probably have gotten an actor's card (which is what they seemed to be needing to get Heptitus an agent) dozens times faster. Oops... I did something wrong again, didn't I?

_But_ what they don't know won't harm them.

"I got grounded because of that boy!" Mipsey Mara yelled as I turned yellow as beeswax.

"What did he do to you?" Ean asked her. _Why in the world did they need to talk to her __**after **__their quest was done? Why did they have this satisfaction of seeing what happened to everyone? Why?_ And to my desperation, Mipsey told them everything.

"Bob?" Gavin asked. My name is not Bob. "I though you were right behind me when we left the tavern!"

Ouch. That stabbed me in the heart.

"I AM VERY IMPORTANT, THANK YOU!" I yelled, cursing the group for a good ten seconds, joining them again. "When did you come back?" I asked, out of the blue, looking at Nicolas and especially at his normal-shaped nose.

"Hilda put a spell on me and the warlock scum." He mumbled.

"Who's Hilda?" I asked, curiously as Ean spun around and eyed me in a mischievous manner.

"_Someone more important than you..."_

_**Thud.**_

Ean was sprawled on the ground and I had something to do with this. Fuck Yea!

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OMG, unimportant guy being fuck yea is win! Enjoyed this chapter so much, hope you do to!

Cheers~


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9 **

Assuming that Ean had recovered from his _accidental_ fall quite fast, the three hurried to the house of the wicked witch of the southwest of Bogwood to give her the actor card they have just earned from the mother of Mipsey Mara. The dialogue was epic, as ever, but not worth following if you had better things to do.

"Get me an acting agent, and I'll think about giving you the wickedness blessing."said Heptitus, after we entered her house. Iya stepped forward and took a confident posture.

"We found an actor's guild card for you." She said, handing the witch the purple card.

"Thanks for nothing!" laughed Heptitus before rushing past us.

"Wait, aren't you going to give me your blessing?" Iya sobbed, only when I noticed how freaking weird it was to ask for the blessing of a witch!

"Of course not, you fool." The witch said, spinning around and leaving the house cackling.

"That... didn't go well." Ean said, tactically.

"You think?" I asked, crossing my arms, being ignored as ever.

"That witch is so... so... wicked." Iya almost yelled, making a face that I thought it meant she will have a hysterical crisis. Ean looked around curiously, before tapping Iya on the shoulder in what I considered a "don't make a hissy fit yet" manner.

"Maybe we can find something useful around." He said as I quickly looked around, noting the useful items: brooms, ropes of onions or garlics (couldn't tell) which were hung on the walls, spiderwebs, a scarecrow, scallions and tomatoes which were on the table. And the chest in the corner.

Which seemingly had the blessing for Iya. _**The hell?**_

Did Heptitus put her blessing there? Why? Maybe she thought "Oh, I'll just put my blessing here, since there is no one in this town I can bless, for I have this urge to bless something right now, but because I am a scrooge, I won't have to give it to anyone * evil cackle *" and there she went, opened the chest and was all "Bless you, almighty chest!"

That made no sense at all. But it seemed to be the only way things happened.

However, we had to hurry out of the cottage, because, seemingly, Heptitus will be home back soon and she won't be happy with this.

So we made our way back trough the... Marshy Swamp and to the... the...

"Graystone Pass!" Ean yelled at me when I asked him, throwing his hands in the air, dramatically. I though I heard Nicolas ask Iya if I was retarded, and saw her biting her lower lip, avoiding to give an answer.

So we made our way back to the Graystone Pass and decided we needed to go trough the creepy caverns in order to get to the southern city named Seri, name that also defeats me big time, since I doubt that it is a word (at least it doesn't have the "wood" suffix, and good thing it doesn't, "Seriwood" would sound just weird and wrong).

The caves were not so creepy, yet they were weird enough. Because there were tulips and other odd things growing inside them, plants that weren't akin to darkness and couldn't possibly grow in caves or on stones, whatsoever. And another factor was that the cave was filled with mice and snakes. The same three-dimensional snakes that were in the Green weed Plains near Thais, only in different colors. And they were dumbstriking fast! And Ean insisted on exploring the cave thoroughly. _Crap._

Anyway, at one point, we saw an exit of the cave which was letting sunlight enter. Hurrying towards it, the group observed with stupor that the cave was leading to nothing less and nothing more than the top of the mountain, on which was found a giant chicken on a nest which was hard to reach, and a wooden pole. That was randomness materialized!

Entering the cave with disappointment, the group continued to another branch of the complicated web of caverns, where * after an half an hour * we could reach sunlight again. If we weren't surrounded by snakes and mice. At that point, Gavin panicked and sprayed a whole bottle of beast repellent on all of us.

"Ew..." was all I could say at the horrifyingly stinky liquid that covered my clothes and hair. Yet my affirmation wasn't so effective on Gavin (or anyone else) as Nicolas' _glare_.

But the beasts got scared and refused to approach us for thirty seconds, enough to leave the cave and face a pile of poop.

"Ewww, it's cyclops dung! Gross!" Iya declared, taking a few steps back.

"Why do you know that it's cyclops dung?" I asked, looking at the elven girl expectantly, as she refused to respond to my question.

Being worried of Iya's capacity to categorize poop, I walked ahead of the group and hurried to open a chest, thinking it might be another green arrow chest. But instead, I got a bucket of cold water thrown in my face. After that, I saw a note on the bottom of the chest (which was dry!). On it it read "You have been refreshed". _Intelligent... _

I heard a bunch of groans coming from behind me as the trio sat down, getting ready for another pre-battle picnic, this time, blaming me for them having to eat, since I had stolen their refreshment. And I bet that if they were to open the chest, I would have been the one glared at by a group of soaking wet people.

After finishing their meal -and me finishing my task of passing everyone the salt, the pepper, the roasted rabbit haunches etc.-, they were set off to fighting the one-eyed beast that was just standing in the middle of the meadow. **Doing nothing!** Yes, the cyclops before which they ate without any problem.

Since the fight had been pretty tough, from what I've seen while I was standing beside, eating a banana as the freaks were fighting. I eventually threw the banana, since I got a really sick sensation when a wave of stench came over me. Undoubtedly, the beast was starting to sweat, and its body odour was so horrible it could kill any living creature on a five kilometer ray. So horrible, everybody's eyes were tearing as they fought, _excepting Nicolas_, who passed out as soon as he felt the smell. So horrible, it beat the beast repellent by far (in that moment I wondered if the beast repellent was actually _made _ from cyclops sweat).

As soon as the beast was dead, I removed the cloth I had been wearing over my mouth in order to be able to breathe on the sweat-smell contamined air, not knowing that the odour that the cyclops emanated when it was deceased was almost instant and even worse than its sweat.

That was the point when I threw up... while Rye and Ean were having a conversation beside the fresh corpse.

Apparently, according to Ean's intelligent statement regarding the cyclops transfigurine the monster coughed up before dying, "something was definitely wrong about this".

"Whenever happened a good thing in _this_ area?" I dared to ask from the other side of the meadow, making it clear that I meant the company was being followed by nothing else than terrible luck. But of course I was ignored and the conversation followed, ending with the transfigurine -which was covered in spit- being wrapped in a cloth and put in a backpack.

At this point I got really tired and just followed the group circle around the mazy cave, without bothering to comment on anything, as I waited for them to lead us out of it. Surprisingly, they eventually did, and we ended up in a desert filled with scorpions and some lizards that had a gazillion legs, reptiles which the group insisted on calling salamanders.

Little did they know that salamanders were amphibians and lizards were reptiles. And amphibians live in humid environments, not in bone dry deserts, _and the reptiles were the ones living in bone dry deserts and not in humid environments_. But everything is messed up in in this world, so I don't expect the God of my world to know of the salamanders' need of having wet skin in order to breathe. _Pfft._

As it was dreadfully hot on this side of the world (which, contrary to the laws of climate and nature, is at the same distance to the North Pole as the Istir Forest) I tried to convince the party to speed up.

"How about we move directly to the business?" I asked, looking at the group.

"Why?" Gavin asked, looking at me blankly. I hesitated to answer, since his dark clothing and long hair were covering almost every square inch of his skin.

"Because it's hot." I said, after a long pause, in which I expected the warlock to answer.

In that moment, Nicolas, who hasn't been paying attention to our conversation turned around and eyed me instantly, with a proud face.

"I wasn't talking about you!" I yelled, getting _Nicolas' stare_ in return. "I was talking about the climate."

"Technically, the weather, which is hot... uhh... makes us all hot right now." Gavin said, stopping for a second to rearrange his thoughts (if, by any means, he thought when he said that).

"_Humph!_ I am hot at every temperature!" Nicolas exclaimed, rising his nose smugly.

"Yeah, you are the one that makes the desert hot. You put the sun to shame." I added, sarcastically.

"Thank you." The prince said, searching his clothes, or whatever was that he was wearing. "Now hold this and swing it in semicircular motions, directing it to my face." He said, handing me a red and gold fan. I frowned and threw it at his face, getting away from him.

"_**My eye!"**_

"Look, a cave." I said loudly to cover Nicolas' whining.

Now I hope I didn't mention it at that time, for inside was a hermit lady, which ran out of salamander eggs and made it clear that she wanted us to search for one, because she needed its skin, if it would hatch a golden one, for making golden salamander armour. Yeah.

"What do you do with the other salamanders?" Ean asked.

"I throw them into the desert."

"Well, that explains a lot..." I said, rolling my eyes. "What do you do when you run out of eggs again?"

"I wait for another group of adventurers to come to me and help me out. I have rheumatism, I can't go out in the wild."

"I doubt that another group of adventurers exist. And what do you eat and drink?"

"Nothing..."

As interesting as the conversation with Sabriyya was, I had to leave. The old lady was creepy and I'd better get as dehydrated as a raisin than stay there a second longer. Fun to the extreme...

…...

OMGLONG! My dog is sleeping for three hours, now, so I'll go wake him up and eat carrots.

Yum.

Enjoy the chapter!

Cheers~


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I saw Rye scribble something in his diary in the "Misc" section as we left the cave. When I looked closely, not only did I see the quest named as "Bring Sabriyya a salamander egg", but also stumbled over Rye's foot, which had been placed before me on purpose.

So, because I twisted my ankle after _I tripped over Rye's foot_, which is the version of the story everyone, except me, tends to accept, I had to wimp my way to Seri, being left several meters behind. Well, the good part was that the scorpions were attracted to the others. For some weird reason... like any other feral animal in this world...

"Welcome to Seri, travelers." A blonde, dark-skinned lady greeted us randomly, before zooming off. At least she did not say something about whatever was happening in that city without being asked, like other people used to.

However, regardless of how sad I was to leave the, apparently, normal-minded citizen, I had to follow the group, since, to my despair, they had started to enter houses and buildings uninvited _again_. And there wasn't too much to the chests in this city, for all they found was a stick of dynamite and other useless stuff.. I did not bother to search for another chest with up-pointed arrow-thing, but, for some reason, the others did look for one with hatred, I suppose. For another reason I do not know, they were somehow trying to laugh at me for not being able to find level chests when I did not even try to.

They did not find any themselves.

Anyway, leaving the chest contest aside, I have to mention that my face had suffered a few dozens of palms a couple of minutes after Ean had decided to move on with the exploring of the city. And all those palms were mine, surprisingly.

"Where are you going?" I asked them, a bit nervous as they were approaching a corner where three men were discussing. One of them was apparently in trouble as he was jumping every once in a while, avoiding to talk with his interlocutors. _Facepalm._

"That doesn't look quite right, we should see what's happening." Iya said, not actually seeming to care that those two rogues were carrying knives in their hands.

"But..." as much as I cared to continue, I realized that my opinion didn't actually matter, for Ean had already went to one of the men and poked his arm. _Facepalm._

A dialogue followed, one of the very intelligent and diplomatic kind that was held by Ean and the rogue. As intelligent and diplomatic a dialogue between an elf (especially if it's _that_ particular elf named Ean) and a rogue could be. And from this discussion, we were to find out that the man failed to pay his debts.

Ean turned around and looked at us.

"Rye, can you come over?" He asked. _Facepalm. _Such thing as Ean and Rye deciding whether to spare a man's life and pay for him or let him die was not going to end too well. For their brilliant minds were to unite their ideas as they started whispering, aware for no one to hear what they were plotting.

"We should save him..." Rye whispered.

"Why? It's a lot of money." Ean asked.

"KARMA!" Rye exclaimed, frowning as Ean widened his mouth.

"Correct!" _Facepalm._

I desperately sighed as they started counting their coins.

"Would you stop slapping yourself? You depress me." Gavin said, frowning at me. I would have slapped my forehead again, just to depress Gavin, but it already started hurting, so I gave up on that sport.

The process of Ean and Rye counting coins was tragically sad, for both mother nature, who bothered to give human beings (and other beings that look somewhat human) brains to use of them in activities such as _math_, and for the poor persecuted man, named Rasmen, who had his sweat dripping from his clothes as he watched the two blades in his attackers' hands.

"_I have 75 coins."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Yes... NO! I'll count again! 1...2...3...4..."_

"_Forget it, you have 75. I have... 80."_

"_That can't be right..." _

"_Why?" _

"_Because 80 plus 75 is... - 8 plus 7 is... eh, 8 plus 2 is 10 and plus another 5 from the seven... - 150. No...155."_

"_Yeah, that can't be right..."_

"_We are missing... 155 minus.. .No, 170 minus 155...-okay, I am going to guess- 15 coins."_

At that point, a knot formed in my throat as I felt the cold metal make specific sounds when hitting eachother in the little purse. I turned to my left and fake sneezed right in Nicolas' face.

"Ewww! There's spit and mucus all over my face!" He yelled as I used the diversion to fling the purse near Rye's foot. Every other party member was watching them count, I could not have thrown the purse just like that. And a pansy prince yelling because there is mucus and spit on his face is the best diversion.

"_Oh, look, a purse of gold. There are 15 coins inside. What luck!"_

"_KARMA!"_

"On your knees and beg forgiveness right now, you filthy slug!" Nicolas roared in my face as I shook my head no and ignored the prince from that moment on, regardless of his smug orders.

Rasmen ran past me just when I was dodging one of Nicolas' shoves. I did not know what happened, but, apparently, he had not payed Ean and Rye for their good deed. And they got pissed. They cursed a while, but eventually stopped, when seeing a house they could enter uninvited.

Inside it was a lad, who told us something about his love, Simini, being stolen by the sultan, because, well, he was the sultan. His name was Firoz. Rye wrote, Ean nodded and we left the house promptly, assuming that we now had to get some kidnapped chick from the sultan back to her dude.

For another couple of hours, my companions (yes, I did call them that, I must have been sun-struck) kept on creeping around the commercial center of Seri and buying stuff. Some woman told us that she did not have any ropes... Okay. And a perky pirate was promoting his sails by singing out to buy them while they are cheap... and never ask where they came from. Not suspicious at all.

Ean spotted a few Shaenlir guards on the shore and suggested going, yelling obscenities at them and throw rocks before running away. That was, by far, the stupidest idea he ever had. No one agreed with him, yet he still went to the guards. I smiled, waiting for the elf to be slaughtered by the soldiers of my home city, who were, obviously, having some difficulties in accustoming with the climate. But he returned soon, to my disappointed relief.

Just then, Ean eyed something interesting and started stomping furiously towards a young man dressed in ragged clothes, demanding an explanation for not thanking or something like that.

"I was afraid that the thugs would change their mind and kill me anyway." He confessed, sobbing, finding himself surrounded by all of us.

"So you decided to run away, even though we had already paid for you!" I said, regretting the 15 coins I gave away. Rasmen eyed me suspiciously, frowning.

"Are you not a bit pale to be standing in the sun?" He asked, tossing aside the previous discussion. Only then did I notice that the skin on my arms was red, and that I was getting severely sun-burnt.

"Hmm, you may be right..." I said, concluding that my skin indeed hurt when touched.

"Anyway... payment?" Ean said, holding out his hand in front of Rasmen, not actually caring that I was quite burnt.

"Here are a bunch of magic beans I bought with that money... you can have them, they have brought me nothing but bad luck." He said, handing Ean the beans and leaving.

"Oh, how considerate! Not only do you not thank us, but give us unholy objects?" I yelled after him, being interrupted by Gavin, who just told me to drop it and pushed me forward, grabbing my burnt arms. Something interesting followed, which concluded to Gavin crawling on the ground in pain, cursing me for leaving him without the ability to have successors. _Not that it was a bad thing..._

I do not know how the hell that happened. But _it hurts when someone grabs you when you are sun burnt. _

_After that, the group avoided me even more. _

Even so, I continued to follow them. And was intrigued by the fact that we were allowed to enter the palace without any guard testing their lance or scimitar on our throat. Because she was evil, The Snow Hag never let anyone enter the palace. _Because she was made of bastard ice. _

We made our way trough the castle, found Simini and had Iya weep after hearing her sad love story, but stopping when the southerner told us to make the sultan cancel the wedding and reunite her with Firoz. Without even asking if we had time to spend on playing in her cheap soap opera. With that attitude, I cannot see why anyone would want to marry her.

We also talked to the sultan, who was willing to give his fiancée away just for something as exotic as her, or more. Well, look who also agrees with the diva attitude Simini has!

The sultan also said that he would move against the Snow Hag, but that he was informed by Uthar that Thais planned something else. Yes. Because the half-naked soldiers of Seri would beat up the tough-armored soldiers of Shaenlir to a pulp. Fat chance, but good luck trying to do that.

The southern part of Seri was not so crowded, but it was full of odd stores. Also, the tavern we were supposed to be looking for was located there. However, on our way there, Iya insisted on visiting the Mage Store or whatever in order for her to be informed about the Guilds out there. I bet she asked the owner exactly the same thing she asked the Chaos Master in Thais. If that was what he was called.

"It is awfully empty here. I bet yo don't get many clients." Iya said, not impressed by the guild. At all.

That was out of character of her to say such a thing. But it was fun. Just to contrast what was going to follow. Which was not fun. And I felt it the moment we entered the tavern .

Because having a thirty-something lady that sits alone at a table look at you with ONE eye in _that_ manner is something that feels like eating nails. And liking it.

… . . .. . . . . .. . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . . ..

For some reason, this took me a whole load of time to finish. :(

Enjoy!


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The tavern was filled, for some reason with people that were participating to the fighting tournament. Because, it is so not cliché for fighters to be tough and drink. All in the same tavern. Mainly because Seri had no other tavern.

"Don't." I suggested, grabbing Ean's sleeve as he started walking towards the one-eyed lady. He just dusted me off and continued his way.

"Move along or I'll eat ya." the lady ordered as I was visualizing the scene. The purple-haired lady was looking perfectly capable of eating Ean. Or any of us.

"We are looking for someone called Rip." Ean almost yelled, in order for everyone in the tavern to hear him. He later received an elbow in his stomach from the pirate woman and was ordered to be quiet and follow her. He motioned for us to follow him, with a face so smug, looking as if he was some sort of interlope character known by this cool _dudette_, who serviced us because of him.

Weirdly enough, we were allowed in the storage area, where Gavin hurried to open a chest and collect the gold coins that were inside. He immediately hurried to tell us that there were 380. _How on Earth was that possible? Counting the coins so quickly, that is. _

An epic conversation between Ean, Iya and the lady followed. That "who are you- no, who are you- I asked first- this dude sent us- I don't know him- no, _this_ guy sent us- now who are you?- I am him- oh" kind of dumb conversation, yes.

Although I would like to see Nicolas with his tongue cut out by the pirate after he said that "Rip was supposed to be a man.".

We then had to travel to the southern part of the Seri desert, to a cove where this lady -called Ava one Eye- and her gang of pirates hid. And a fairly small ship was sailed there.

"Go get me an anchor, sails and dynamite." Ava ordered. I wondered why had she not told us that we needed those items when we were at the tavern, this way we wouldn't have to go back to Seri and to the cove again.

"Why did you not tell us this at the tavern?" I asked, annoyed.

"You didn't ask." She said, grinning at me. This woman was wicked.

"Well, you might as well go and search for those yourselves, I won't go back and forth because of _her._" I said to the party, eying Ava in an annoyed way.

"Not that we needed you, anyway." Gavin said as Nicolas nodded. I did not know what to do: be annoyed by the insult, or remain mindfucked by the fact that Gavin and Nicolas actually agreed upon something.

I opted for the last version before they left. The pirates shooed me outside of the cave, telling me to play with the lizards and scorpions. Fun fun.

I found a chest with an anchor inside nearby and a goodie cave. Until the party returned, I had been stuffing my pockets with money. By the time I returned to the cove, the ship was sailed and ready to go. _And the party was waiting for me._ Aw, how cute of them!

"Move your ass, you scum bucket!" Ava ordered before I climbed the ship, the coins wiggling in my clothes. That moment, the dwarf that had been guarding the goodie cave _and that I did not tie up to get the money _ came running to one of the pirates, reporting the events.

"Me money!" The pirate yelled, weeping as I proposed to hurry and leave the cave to Ava.

Blasting the way out of the lair, we headed for Thais and reached it in less than a minute, due to the awesome warping function the ship had. Plus, when we left the cave, the ship was larger than the mountains and half the size of Seri. Logic, no?

"Aaaaaah, Rip!"

"Aaaaaah, Dragon Dung!"

The memories Uthar(seriously, what kind of name is that?) and Ava started to revive were not only odd, but the lone maid that had been wandering around the thrones gasped, covering her mouth and hurried to another room. Nicolas was looking at his brother in disgust, moving his sight to the black lady from time to time.

"Oh, dear, please tell me he was adopted!" He kept mumbling

But suddenly stopped when he heard his name mentioned in the same sentence with the words "better person". He regained his snotty composure and puffed, swearing that he will never be kind to the ones below him.

"We will see..." Ava said, mischievously, saying goodbye to Dragon Dung before the party left the castle.

Heading towards the exit, I spotted a beggar that had not been there before. Or in Thais whatsoever.

"Are you sick?" I asked him, frankly.

"No."

"Are you old?"

"No?" He responded, suspiciously.

"Are you an adult?"

"Yes."

"Then go get a job, you lazy bastard!" I said as the beggar started cursing and swearing at me so fabulously disgraceful, I felt the urge to back away, but abandoned the thought when I saw Ava push Nicolas toward the beggar.

"Oh, no." Nicolas muttered, seeing the boy and hurried to leave. Ava grabbed him by one sideburn with the agility of a cat and dragged him forcefully in front of the beggar. _"But he smells..."_ he whispered.

"Spare a coin, good lord?"

"What need you have of a coin?"

"To buy cheese."

"Go get a job if you want to eat instead of making people who work pay for your laziness." Nicolas shot as I felt a weird tint of agreement.

Ava pulled Nicolas' sideburn and mumbled something to him as he responded.

"Go eat cake, peasant!" Oh, almighty God of this illogical world, just _HOW_ original of you to use real life historical facts and believe that followers won't know what you meant by that. Seriously?

"You fool, this rumor will spread like plague now." Ava growled.

"As if I care." Nicolas sniffed.

And then we started promenading throughout the city without really having to, but just to see how Nicolas' people accept the situation. And it was fairly fun, since one of them wanted to start a mob just because he told a _healthy and young enough to get a job_ beggar to eat cake. Someone even threw a cake at him.

"Now you see what you did?" Ava asked, crossing her arms.

"Alright, I will go talk to the beggar." Nicolas said, defeated.

"You are he most idiotic wimp I have ever seen." I said, annoyed, receiving nothing in return from the prince who, nonchalantly went to the beggar.

"Let's make a deal: you buy me and the citizens you have talked to cheese and I will forgive you."the boy said. What a manipulative douche bag!

"Fine." Nicolas said, annoyed, obeying to the orders.

Oh, and the fact that the people were so easily bribed with _cheese_ and started loving Nicolas the moment they received food just made me think just how superficial the inhabitants of Thais were. I sincerely see a riot approaching the moment Nicolas will decide who to marry. A riot of the young dumped ladies, of course.

Iya had the courtesy to remind us about one more thing to do in Thais. SO we had to linger here one more hour.

"You need to rethink his priorities, people." I said, annoyed.

"No, you need to."

.. … . .. . . … . . . . .. . . . .. . . .. . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. .

Glorious! And I was honest about the beggar event in the game. Don't get me wrong, I really do give money to beggars. When they are sick or old. Not otherwise. Because if they are young and healthy and ask me for money, I say pretty much what Nicolas said.

And "Let them eat cake"? Seriously? Anyway/

Thank you for reading /

Cheers~


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Following the group to a hidden door that led to the sewers, I found that there was actually a purpose of the softening cream, that was rubbed on the statue found in the little lair.

Not much later did the statue turn into a real boy that was about my age, who was jumping eagerly around the room, happy to be alive again. Got used to walking again pretty fast. Not thanking the party for freeing him, he immediately zoomed off and somehow **teleported** the moment he reached the stairs, because he suddenly disappeared.

"Interesting... " was all that Ean could say before pointing majestically towards the cave exit and suggesting to go and catch the boy they had just freed. Apparently, he "looked like trouble".

We walked towards...no, wait. I am sorry about that. _They _walked to the city jail, **I** _shuffled_ towards the city jail. Not out of my own will, but because I was being pushed around by both my teammates and the citizens of Thais. And I somehow managed to got ten thousand bruises and wounds by the time I got to the so-called building. Which had only three cells that had to deal with the many, many criminals in that big city.

Meaning three. Out of which one was a kid, one was a witch and one was a thug. The thug threatened us with the eventual disposal of our tongues out of our mouths if we dare and lay our eyes any longer upon his Greek God figure. The group silently walked away from his cell, more or less worried, but I decided it would be wise to stay there and dramatically rise an eyebrow while the inmate pushed his arms between the bars, in one of them being a sharp knife. Still keeping my eyebrow high as it was, I backed off a step and watched the thug start raging, drop the knife on the ground outside of the cell and curse as it slid close to my foot. Not a long time after that, he started growling, his mouth started foaming and his bald head bumped against the two bars that would not let him trough. The boy in the next cell had quite a good time while I annoyed the inmate. He wiped one tear from his eye, laughing while the guard came and unlocked his cell.

I looked at Ean and crossed my arms.

"How did you talk the guard into letting him go?"

Ean didn't answer and looked away from me, pretty much how a dog that did a bad thing would do to their owner. Not even today did I get my answer. Not that I care about it, since I already know it, but it just proves how proud can some be.

Speaking of which, Jack, the thief, somehow _forced _himself into the party. Ean and Iya were really unhappy with him being part of the team, because, as they stated, he was a goddamn thief! That was the point where I smacked myself on the forehead.

"Then why in the world did you bail him out, then? Jesus, you are such idiots, I don't even know why I hang out with you." I almost yelled.

"Me neither." Nicolas hurried to snap.

"You are welcome to go back to Shaenlir, if you ask me." Ean said, crossing his arms and taking an outrageously dramatic snob face. I thought I was going to start kicking him in areas that should not be mentioned publicly, but at a second thought, I grinned and inhaled.

"Yeah, you are probably right. I am going to Shaenlir, to the Snow Queen, to all the soldiers. I am probably going to even tell them about what you have been up to until now..." I turned to see their scared faces and got myself _forced _into the party. At least I had some important role.

I sighed as Jack was jumping around, leading the way out of the *cough * jail... Looking behind at the witch in the last cell, I asked why the heck did she not use magic to escape. I probably mustn't have done that, because her eyes widened and a smile curled on her face as we were leaving.

During Jack's stay in our team, I have been assaulted with offers coming from the mentioned boy quite a few times. These offers included us stealing their money, killing Nicolas, killing Gavin, killing Ava and pretty much anyone that he could not stand. I considered the options, but never accepted them. They were oblivious, but will surely blame me for anything that I did not do. Most surely someone that died without any reason will be my fault.

Let's say I am okay with the fact that we somehow ended up in Grimm's Farm. Also, I am okay with the party buying the farm for 3000 gold pennies (which is a very reasonable price for all the shit we had to take). Let's also say that I am okay to live on peaches for the following few months. But a giant chicken appearing in the peach orchard _after _ we buy the farm, that I am not okay with. Also, I felt even more sick after realizing that it was the chicken we saw a few days ago on the top of the mountain, on a nest.

You know what? Now that I think of it, that was a rooster. And you can tell that just by looking at it -and at its funny rooster crest and those two dangling pieces of skin under his beak- , and I don't know why I am so sure of this, we don't have any chickens in Shaenlir. Anyway, back to the point. _**Roosters don't lay eggs, neither do they hatch them. **_

"Do you want to fight that chicken?" I asked Gavin, predicting the answer in disgust as I slowly backed off from the chicken that was a rooster. Also, the orchard was full of _giant piles of chickenshit!_

"I hope not. Some people dislike being near loads and loads of animal droppings." the warlock responded while Nicolas turned red. "Of course, other might make theirselves at home, for their talk is merely compared to **a mass like this.**" That is when Gavin looked at Nicolas, whose ears and cheeks were sharing the same colour.

"Warlock..." Ava started, irritated, but gave up, awaiting a reaction from the prince.

"The only difference that might be is the fact that one's talk contains a huge amount of _bovine _excrements-..." He immediately stopped while looking at Iya's green face that only indicated her being on the verge of throwing up.

"Let's beat up this chicken already..." Ean said, his face disgusted and kind of unwilling as well, as I merely jumped over the tiny fence and walked away, not being ready to see them rolling and being thrown around in bird poo. That would be gross.

When I turned around to see what they have done, I saw Ean rubbing the wooden statuette, turning himself in a giant, fat rooster. I sighed, not wanting to live in this world anymore. _And see Ean walk around, flipping his tail from side to side along with his chicken ass on those outrageously small feet. _

"You know what? You guys remain here, we are going to Ryva to buy animals." Rye said a few minutes before he and Ean left to purchase animals.

Only later did it struck me why Rye was so eager to go with Ean and wander around Ryva to buy animals. He wanted to show off his giant cock! I mean, he would know that no one in the whole village would have one as big as his, now. I frowned, annoyed. Well, maybe Ean will have fun with the hens around there. And the poor birds will have to lay eggs the size of an ostrich's. _Enough with chicken reproduction talk!_

When they returned, they were three. For, apparently, they had picked up Emma from Thais. You know, the maid from Candar. I didn't have anything particular with her person, but she was somewhat bossy, yet, since it was Rye who she was bugging and not me, it didn't bother.

"Elf chicken fooool~" Jack chanted from the bathroom as Ean promptly responded with a mix between a rooster song and an "yes". "Change human before going to the bathroom..." the boy yelled.

Great. Now I have to dig myself a hole in the backyard whenever I feel like going...

-.-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.

I am getting upset. Not because my story is not read, but rather because it is not read because of the large amount of text it contains. D: I mean, there are a gazillion of other AV2 parodies that (without mentioning that they are posted after I posted mine) have that simple, simple, simple structure, without ANY description that sound like:

EAN: lolol

IYA: IKR

Comments: Lolololololol

This is not an offense to any of these stories or their writers. But I sincerely think that people should not simply not read a story because it's OMFG TOO MUCH TEXTS~

And also, I am not flaming or hating because few people read my story. I am speaking generally now. Twilight happened because of people who DON'T KNOW WHAT READING IS!

/endrant


End file.
